Start of Summer!

              Wow, I can’t believe it has been 4 months since our last post. Time sure does go by fast. I have been saying to myself over and over that I need to update the blog but then something comes up and I never get around to it. So of course, I was laying in bed and can’t sleep (which seems to be every night these days) and thought…Hey, let me update our blog and here I am! As always, a lot has gone on since our last post. We celebrated Eryna’s first Easter, my 30^th birthday, Ethan’s pre-k graduation, Eryna’s first visit to the beach, her first visit to the zoo and many more events! It is summer time and I love being home with the kids. The past two weeks we did all fun activities which included our trip to the beach and today I knew we had to start getting back into some type of routine. Since being out of school, it has been hard for Eryna to understand what is going on and she doesn’t really know what to do with herself. Well as expected, trying to start some type of school work today didn’t go very well either.

                I don’t really know where to start with this post….to write about the fun events and how we got some great pictures out of them, or all the times behind the camera that we have cried ourselves to sleep and feel like we have lost our family. I guess I will start with the not so good news and then end with the happy moments we have shared.

                Eryna’s behaviors have improved thank goodness but we have discovered other things that have taken over the explosive behaviors. There has been stealing, lying and the worst one being that she has started to become aggressive towards the boys. The boys have always been very loving to her and especially Ethan, he always has had a special love for her. Well lately those feelings have changed and while on vacation, Ethan told us that he is scared of Eryna. That broke my heart. I know that a lot of these behaviors are typical from orphans but the aggressive nature that has turned to the boys is the most concerning. We feel that we are not enough for her. She needs so much extra attention and constant love that right now we don’t have. We are exhausted and just beat down. I feel like I have failed her as a mother. We see our boys starting to fall apart too. It has been so difficult trying to find the time to give each child all the attention and love that they need. I know that comes with the package of having 3 kids I have been told but it is different. We have many other mountains we are trying to climb at the same time and the biggest one being this situation. As always, it is never Eryna’s fault. She didn’t ask to be neglected by her birth parents, she didn’t ask to be placed in an orphanage that wasn’t right for her and she didn’t ask to be placed in a family with two other children that she was going to have to compete with for her new parents love and attention. She deserves everything, so much more then what we are giving her. A friend of mine was venting to me today about her daughter and how she was having a tough day with her. She was so frustrated and in the middle of telling me about it all, she stopped and said sorry, I know this is nothing in comparison to what you are going through with Eryna. I felt so bad at that point. I told her that it doesn’t matter that her daughter’s tough day wasn’t “technically” as extreme as Eryna’s can be because to her, it was. I felt her pain, I completely understood where she was coming from and knew that it didn’t change her love for her daughter, it just meant that at that point, she needed someone to relate to and just listen. I hope that I never judge a mother for any feelings of failure and frustration she may have to her children because no matter what the situation, we all can handle different things and we just need someone that can be there, listen and just be quiet for the person to vent.
         I have to say that if I hear one more person say “It’s going to get better, just hang in there. It’s only been such and such months” I am going to scream. It goes back to my last post; You’re not here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week dealing with this. We are and until you want to live our life, please don’t remind me how many months it has been because I feel like it’s been years. As I turned 30 this year and had my second back surgery, I feel like I am already in my 50’s!! I am sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s where we are at right now and I don’t want to candy coat it all. We have had to divide our family up just to make it through most days. Whichever one of us is feeling like we can handle the situation, that one stays with Eryna whether it be at home or if we have to remove her from an overwhelming environment and the other takes the boys somewhere or stays at the place we were at. I hate that we are not the tight family I want us to be. All of the kids need us both and they all deserve so much more than what we are giving them. I want to be so much more of a mother to all of them yet I feel like I fail daily. 

Before I lose some of you because you don’t like to hear about the difficult times, let me share about our good times. It seems that when times are rough, people don’t want to be around but when it’s is a fun time and Eryna is at her best is when most people tend to be around! So our first fun time was Easter. We went to my Aunt’s house this year and had a huge egg hunt for the kids. They all had a blast and we even had a golden egg for the first time and Cayla found it. Poor Ethan wanted to find it so bad because that’s all the kids heard about on the Easter shows but it was a good lesson to teach that not always are we all winners! A week later was my 30^th birthday. Shawn planned a wonderful surprise dinner with some family and friends. We had a wonderful time and the best surprise was my gift of going away the next day for a weekend to the beach with no kids and a much needed dinner with my best friend and her boyfriend! Two days later I had my second back surgery and finally had my hardware removed to take away my stabbing pain. The next month was pretty boring since we weren’t able to do much with my healing from the surgery. Ethan had his pre-k graduation and that was a bitter sweet moment for us. I can’t believe that my first born is already going to kindergarten! Logan had an end of the year show and he was a pig in it…..a very cute one of course! The week after school ended, we went on a family vacation to the beach. It was Eryna’s first time. She loved the sand, didn’t like the water and waves too much but got used to them. It was so nice to get away and out of the house for a change. Ethan got to do some wave surfing with his nieces from Boca and Logan was swimming like a fish! My parents bought our family a year pass to the Miami Zoo and that has been nice. They have a new water spot that the kids love and we have already been 3 times. Eryna loves seeing all the animals and keeps asking if they are going to bite her! Here are some pictures from our trips and fun times!