Read with Caution!

So I guess it’s time for another whole-hearted-pure-honest report on our life right now. We have continued with the ups and downs from the transition process. We have cried, laughed, screamed, ran, prayed and came back to crying! What have we done, did we make the right choice, did we move too fast, did we follow the wrong path? Those have been many questions that have came up in conversation with Shawn and I during the past 2 weeks. We feel that we are doing everything we can do yet we continue to fail at the same time. We feel alienated from our friends and I don’t blame them. The past 5 months have been such a roller coaster. One day we feel comfortable and back to our “normal” life and the next it just falls apart. I have become selfish in thinking that everyone needs to be here for us right now and not remembering that others need us as well. We feel that we can’t go anywhere because if we do, the main question is “How is Eryna going to behave and when is the bomb going to explode?” I can’t relax anywhere we go. Everyone says its fine yet I still see the looks and the feeling of them not being comfortable in the situation. I wish I had answers. I thought I was prepared. I have taught children with Autism for 7 years and I was able to control their behavior. Why can’t I do the same with MY own daughter? I have made a behavior chart, we give her praises, she goes to therapy, she has ESOL tutoring, we pray, we have fun, we take away, we give back, we love, we hug, we laugh, but in the end, we cry. I am lost. I don’t have control. I know….I said it….Allison not have control? I am sorry if this is all over the place but I need to release this. We have the crazy house now…my own parents can’t even enjoy being in my home for more than 5 minutes anymore. Our joy is lost. How can we find it again? I know the answers, I know we need to fall down on our knees and spend these broken moments with Christ but I don’t want to right now. I am hurting, I am exhausted, I have lost my patience, I am not me anymore. I am with 30 kindergarteners all day and then come home to 3 kids all with the mentality of a 5 year old and younger. One of those is a walking time bomb and we just don’t know when it is going to explode. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but it is so true and it’s our life right now.  No I don’t want to talk right now, I don’t want to listen to people say “Give her a chance, it’s only been 5 months, she will come around, be patient, pick your battles, etc”. Your not here when she destroys her beautiful room we made for her, when she bites and hits her dad, when she screams for hours, when your in a public place and she wants to do what she wants to do and then screams like I am murdering her because she didn’t get her way.  YOUR NOT HERE. We are, our boys are, and thankfully God is too.

I am so thankful for our belief and faith in God. Without this, we would be on a plane back to Ukraine and back to our life as a family of 4. We are not going to give up. This little precious soul needs us. God needs us and has trusted us to do His work in her. We are all she has.  How dare I put this blame on her. It’s not Eryna doing this to us. It’s her past that has done this to her and it is all she knows. Our boys have been our rock each and every day. The other night, Eryna was having her scream fest as we were going through our bedtime routine. When it was time for our family prayer time, Shawn and I went into the boys room, shut the door and started prayers with the boys. Shawn sat down and just began to cry. Ethan without any hesitation turns to him and says “Daddy, it will be okay. God sent Jesus to die for our sins and He is here with us. I love you daddy.” So then of course I started with some tears and said to Ethan, “So Ethan, what do you think we should do?” Again without hesitation he said, “We should always care for her, that’s what God wants us to do.”  Wow. Thank You Heavenly Father for Ethan and the words you gave him because we were almost at our breaking point. Each time we get to that point, God has His way to remind us that He is in control and we need to trust His timing. She has come so far. You wouldn’t believe all the English she is speaking. She has such a love for life (except when she doesn’t get her way!) and love for others. On Valentine's Day I wasn’t feeling well and laid in bed as Shawn got all the kids fed and ready for bed. Eryna loves when we read books but last night she chose to lay with her mommy instead. She was so concerned about my health and why mommy wasn’t up running around like a maniac! I kept telling her to go read books with daddy, that I was okay. She just laid there, crying and asking “Mommy, you okay….Mommy, I sleep with you….Mommy, you better?” I so badly just wanted silence and to be alone but how could I turn this sweet, caring child away? When Shawn took her to go to bed, she began to hysterically cry as if she was leaving me to die. After her crying for over 5 minutes, I had to get up and go reassure her multiple times that I would be okay. Let’s just say I am not allowed to show Eryna that I am sick ever again! The point I am trying to make is that in these little moments it is God reminding us that He has a plan for us. He has orchestrated this whole thing and continues to daily. It was exactly a year ago last week that Shawn and I made the commitment and started the process to adopt our princess. Time sure does go by fast and I am sure this time next year I will read this post and think about all the time I wasted trying to make life “normal” and just wish I would have been praising God for all the little steps we have accomplished.  Continue to pray for us. Eryna has started to attend her own small group at church now so Shawn and I can attend service alone without having to entertain her the whole time. That has been a huge step and we thank my niece Cayla for coming the past couple weeks to help her with the transition! Our pastor is going through Psalm 23 right now and it couldn’t have been better timing.  
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”

We gave daddy an indy car driving experience for Christmas!

At the Homestead Rodeo

Eryna and Shawn at the Homestead Rodeo

All the cousins at the Rodeo Parade